Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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