i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
