What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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