Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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