And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
