Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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