Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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