apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
