Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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