umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
