So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
