Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
