Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
