just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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