there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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