i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize