Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
