Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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