We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
