He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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