tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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