She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
