I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
