i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
