I wish I could punch you in the face.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
