I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
