I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
