Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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