the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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