def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
