I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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