i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
