Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
