i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
