apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
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