so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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