please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Do you remember whose house we're in?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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