she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
