I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
