shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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