I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
