dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
