jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
