this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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