MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize