You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
