Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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