Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
It's just like the Real World with babies
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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