I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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