I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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