you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm just crazy horny about you
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
