I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
