I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
