It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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