he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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