she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
