and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
