it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
i now understand why vodka
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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