Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
this hospital has no fireball
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
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