So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
