hotel room ftw
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
