i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
