The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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